in total-29.08.10

*artwork- “determination” by mark fuller via fineartamerica.com

in total two more months to go spinning, on and off and fourth decade of childlike woman is on. yes. in total inventory is set. my vintage tools worn out furniture and washed off clothes. a doll house. i will count every piece of everything. all of my possessions. white hairs and tiny wrinkles around the eyes, too. i am rich. and i will wear my smile as a pretty one wore perfume. for this is all i really have. i will smile. and won’t hide in another dusty room with empty ceiling. and emptied man. i will smile. victims all over will take cover. and there will be no more dreadful stories around me. no more shadows that were raped at age of three. and no more home seeking and being homesick and missing marinushka and missing. in total.

love deprived whore on a days of hecate-15.12.09

*artwork-“don’t take my sunshine away” via tumblr

sometimes i wake up in the mornings and i just know that it is going to be a bad day. empty. unfilled. or, filled with dismay and anxiety. and then everything gets slow. arthur says these are the days of Hecate. so that i am sensitive during. and, in general, sensitive. gera calls it “love deprived whore, with her heart locked”. that is also a way to put it. it’s been a year since i am tending  to myself. listening. sometimes it seems that i do hear something. is this how breaking through feels? today i am restless again. i am not barren, but i can not give birth. there is something inside, yet it is unable to come out. i am not letting it go.