cold home-13.01.11

*artwork-“embrace” by egon schiele

embrace

will i ever conquer the vibrant?

Caledonian sky was beautiful
sometimes i could feel free
and scared no more
but here i go, cold home
that feels alien
i’ve lost track of time
in my own 2.5 rooms
where i walk with my eyes closed at nights,
touching guidelines of walls.
my hands are different.
every piece of my body is unpleasantly new
though i am not renewed, tired.
may be this is the sense of freedom
freedom-like dungeon
underneath changing skies,
the city was vicious and i needed (to)
revenge.

i wonder what was it?
how lonely i felt embraced by the loved one.
how lonely my loved one has probably felt.

absurdistan-15.10.10

*artwork- by jiwoon pak via artparasites.com

jiwoon-pak

 

absurdistan.
my being is ridiculous country.
it’s easy: i merely want to be needed, important and
irreplaceable.
so that they won’t have a new girl, again.but, in the meantime, i am bored.
and everything around me seems
dull
and pointless.
people used to be.
and i once was
someone that i am not, anymore.
yet, i hold on to. clinging to something
that is not even memory.
primeval fright.
ever present anxiety.
so, i wait. i’m alert.
always ready for being turned away.
returned to
the manufacturer.


in a
 common cardboard box,
straight to unlovingness.

roads-13.09.10

*artwork- “confusion” by roswita szyszka via  dart.fine-art.co

while  married to roads,
of microscopic (barely) homeland,
i’ve been around and across.
same scenery all over.
relentless skies.
brown growth.
sea is on my left. hopelessness- on right.
forever with my eyes closed
i am to hear someone else’s music,
and feel a stranger’s elbow
and smell a piercing sweat.

and now, again i’m lost?
these ways are alien.
i am at the crossroads,
same ruthless sky and rusty growth.
still. location is unclear.

you drive. your hand rests on my knee
together. we are so lost together
these roads divide and split,
so threatening, and we
we are bemused again.
you don’t know what to say

and my words die inside so i keep silent.

hedgehogs in the fog-19.05.10

*artwork-  from “hedgehog in the fog” masterpiece animation by yuri norshteyn, 1975

b09303b7338cb800a4b62e914128227f

 

 

he says “i love you so much”…
does he acknowledge the burden?

the rules are unclear.
thus, my love is entwined with your guilt.
i make you sip it, in swallows you are able
to take.
i thought. and i missed.
you ask for mercy and i am letting go.

hedgehogs in the fog

we are
so curious, but then
disturbed, choking on ambiguous fears,
shadow-like thoughts,
made up tornadoes and delirious tremors.

we watch scary movies,
you laugh as i cover my eyes,
yet you hold me closer.

it’s all about tea, raspberry jam, and stars.

13th of march-13.03.10

*artwork-“The Delusional Confusion” by Darwin Leon

download

redhearted statements of love and trust
and vice versa. and mere vice
my mind is a mess
and i keep messing with it
it feels like rubbing one palm against another
so familiar, but can you describe it?
my thoughts…those ones covered with spiderwebs
an old attic stuffed with redundant words and gestures
and i stand among them like in someone else’s dream
where gravity rules work no more
and rhymes have no meaning.
i know that i have to hand him the tickets
because i invited him for this ride.
he says the transportation was all legal and
this place was never visited before.an attic or a cellar
whatever is this place
i am scared
and i eager to be held
and i need eternal promises.

hungry-02.03.10

*artwork-“Christina’s World” by Andrew Wyeth.

christinas-world

imagine metal lid over a deep hatch.
heavy. rusty. covered with dust. way out of use.

i tried my best to keep it closed
pushed with all the strength i had
and, boy, i may be strong with my eyes shut
but i received the permission, and i can not hold it anymore

__________________
it is free
and it is endless
and i don’t even understand what it feels like
to feel.

for my own good-6.01.10

*artwork- view of the exhibition “Powerless Structures” at Tel Aviv Museum of Art

elmgreen_et_dragset_view-of-the-exhibition-powerless-structures-at-tel-aviv-museum-of-art-tel-aviv-israel-2016_11117_1_w800_195235

what was i
when was i
one of these …imprisoned on
white islands of metal solitude
on each – imperfect youth
so early broken, nearly left
in it together
so painfully alone.

perverted arc,
“it’s for your own good”,
they said
and others – silent,
impotent
was i
tied and shaved,
and waiting…

 

prison-1.01.10

*artwork- “anguish” by darren johnson via saatchiart.com

1115442-7

 

between third cup of coffee and unimaginary anguish
i try to escape from my own prison
words echoing in my room
said and unsaid
as i walk around, lost in my own fortress
not recognizing this space,
i am a stranger
to my own thoughts, so familiar, so

i pushed out and away,
and now, left in my beloved solitude
i am full of hatred
that can not find its way to

me or you,
all itchy
i wish to scratch you out
or
to leave this incapable pale skin
and find a new place
to contain my rusty world of

————————————-
scared baby with a head shaved
and legs tied to a bed that is everything
scared baby, that waits for a savior to come
in sterile room, with windows ever closed
and smell of lost hope
where every minute is an eternity
and every touch is love deprived

————————————-

love deprived whore on a days of hecate-15.12.09

*artwork-“don’t take my sunshine away” via tumblr

alone-black-and-white-butt-cool-favim-com-935965

sometimes i wake up in the mornings and i just know that it is going to be a bad day.

empty.

unfilled.

or, filled with dismay and anxiety.

and then everything gets slow.

arthur says these are the days of Hecate. so that i am sensitive during. and, in general, sensitive.

gera calls it “love deprived whore, with her heart locked”. that is also a way to put it.

it’s been a year since i am attending  to myself.

listening.

sometimes it seems that i do hear something.

is this how breaking through feels?

today i am restless again. i am not barren, but i can not give birth. there is something inside, yet it is unable to come out.

i am not letting it go.