in total-29.08.10

*artwork- “determination” by mark fuller via fineartamerica.com

in total two more months to go spinning, on and off and fourth decade of childlike woman is on. yes. in total inventory is set. my vintage tools worn out furniture and washed off clothes. a doll house. i will count every piece of everything. all of my possessions. white hairs and tiny wrinkles around the eyes, too. i am rich. and i will wear my smile as a pretty one wore perfume. for this is all i really have. i will smile. and won’t hide in another dusty room with empty ceiling. and emptied man. i will smile. victims all over will take cover. and there will be no more dreadful stories around me. no more shadows that were raped at age of three. and no more home seeking and being homesick and missing marinushka and missing. in total.

the vow-23.07.10

*artwork-“growth”, digital art by anastasiya malakhova

the moment you were gone the voice of my mind was heard again. so tiny and so weak, yet, it is here. i’m thrilled to have it back, to execute my grief and comprehend its startling solace. so many tears, i never knew i could, but i do feel so much i’m happy to grow and come across my brand new greenest leaves. _____ the agent of a change, no other choice for me. i’ll hold that mirror, forever, if it takes and when they’re ready- i set them free to search. _____ and you became so ripe, so willing to explore and face your own incubus. my VIP, now you begin your journey. i will be out there. just as you asked. i’ll keep an eye on you, won’t let you fade away.