fir trees of my years-30.06.15

*artwork- via pintrest.com

e563d08e51ac6640de3bad953507cf9b

 

I’ve gone astray

Amongst the fir trees of my years

Under cold snows

Relived

During sweaty summer evenings.

I’ve failed to tie a string

Or  leave a bread crumbs trail

So I can find my way back

(36 years ago)

When I slipped into this world

And maybe then was happy.

 

Invariably, i am

( a sad little girl- an angsty adolescent-an all accepting woman)

Just looking for a place,

One guarded and secure,

To keep my hopes.

 

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such a cute couple-20.07.12

*artwork- via mulfingered.tumblr.com

c2edeaa462c7dbe3636a52b326a23398

and.
does my silence hints i am serene at last?
knowing that i use words only to describe the absent.
reality check time has come
what an eye opening,
i laugh and tear
all together.

such a cute couple we are
we manage to fool them all
so eager this time it works
we are using blindfolds day and night
to keep the doubts of despair out
and in – these shallow lights
of hope and trust and warmth.

the pattern-02.12.11

*artwork-“dark matter” by luca l. via studentartguide.com

dark-matter-charcoal

all the colors of mine
are not enough
to block the blackness
all the words i used to know
are wiped clean
by the persistence of your silence

so i get pulled, again
into turbulence of my dreads
fueled by vigor of your own

the story repeats itself
again and again
and again
vicious
cruel void
we are so powerless
in this love
love

you can not bear the most of me
and i want out so bad
but then you drop
the magic words
they work unfailingly
and i give in
give up
smiling
charmed, blinded by the sweetness of promise
and mute for some more
because there’s touch
it feels so god damn right
to get lost in our dizzy childish truths
and lies, so white, transparent almost
they help us through another day
of pretending

a prayer for ariel-24.08.11

*artwork-“unlocking nine locks” by laura simms via touchdrawing.com

<a style="color: #666666; text-decoration: none;" onclick="window.open('http://touchdrawing.com/conferenceprints-order/','Conference Fine Art Prints','scrollbars=yes,resizable=yes,width=850,height=650,left=100,top='+(screen.availHeight/2-325)+'');return false;" href="http://touchdrawing.com/conferenceprints-order/">UNLOCKING NINE LOCKS Transforming Trauma through Story - Laura Simms 
CTT-17 — ORDER FINE ART PRINTS</a>

 

frozen hand of mercy
squeezes my throat mercilessly
every time he is near.
——-
i failed
he is down
so i am screaming soundlessly
so he won’t hear
so he falls
slowly-er
so he falls
on the soft ground
on the green grass
on someone else’s hands

35 years old child
he did cry twice
when i hugged him close
and he let me touch,
then for the briefest moment,
he showed
and i’ve panicked
and now he is
a tiny shadow of the man he used to be
when he was 20.

i pray for ariel to be back

even in best families-20.09.10

*artwork-“acceptance” by ella prakash via mojarto.com

duality?
ambiguity?
multiple personality?
nah, just all in one.
disordered.
i am as complicated as a shampoo.

beloved and be-hated villains,
sour and sweet voices
they build and then destroy,
occasionally sharing the same sentence.
boy, do i love it!

major fuck up.
production flaw at mama’s factory.
but!
another wise man said, that
in best families (sh)it happens, too.

in total-29.08.10

*artwork- “determination” by mark fuller via fineartamerica.com

determination-mark-fuller

in total
two more months to go
spinning, on and off
and fourth decade of childlike woman is on.
yes.
in total
inventory is set.
my vintage tools
worn out furniture
and washed off clothes.
a doll house.
i will count every piece of everything.
all of my possessions.
white hairs and tiny wrinkles around the eyes, too.
i am rich.

and i will wear my smile
as a pretty one wore perfume.
for this is all i really have.
i will smile.
and won’t hide in another dusty room
with empty ceiling. and emptied man.

i will smile.
victims all over will take cover. and there will be
no more dreadful stories around me.
no more shadows that were raped at age of three.
and no more home seeking
and being homesick
and missing marinushka
and missing.

in total.

the vow-23.07.10

*artwork-“growth”, digital art by anastasiya malakhova

growth-anastasiya-malakhova

the moment you were gone
the voice of my mind was heard again.
so tiny and so weak, yet, it is here.
i’m thrilled to have it back,
to execute my grief
and comprehend its startling solace.

so many tears, i never knew i could,
but i do feel so much
i’m happy
to grow
and come across my brand new greenest leaves.
_____
the agent of a change,
no other choice for me.
i’ll hold that mirror, forever, if it takes
and when they’re ready-
i set them free to search.

_____
and you became so ripe, so willing to explore and face
your own incubus.
my VIP, now you begin your journey.
i will be out there.
just as you asked.
i’ll keep an eye on you,
won’t let you fade away.

prison-1.01.10

*artwork- “anguish” by darren johnson via saatchiart.com

1115442-7

 

between third cup of coffee and unimaginary anguish
i try to escape from my own prison
words echoing in my room
said and unsaid
as i walk around, lost in my own fortress
not recognizing this space,
i am a stranger
to my own thoughts, so familiar, so

i pushed out and away,
and now, left in my beloved solitude
i am full of hatred
that can not find its way to

me or you,
all itchy
i wish to scratch you out
or
to leave this incapable pale skin
and find a new place
to contain my rusty world of

————————————-
scared baby with a head shaved
and legs tied to a bed that is everything
scared baby, that waits for a savior to come
in sterile room, with windows ever closed
and smell of lost hope
where every minute is an eternity
and every touch is love deprived

————————————-

love deprived whore on a days of hecate-15.12.09

*artwork-“don’t take my sunshine away” via tumblr

alone-black-and-white-butt-cool-favim-com-935965

sometimes i wake up in the mornings and i just know that it is going to be a bad day.

empty.

unfilled.

or, filled with dismay and anxiety.

and then everything gets slow.

arthur says these are the days of Hecate. so that i am sensitive during. and, in general, sensitive.

gera calls it “love deprived whore, with her heart locked”. that is also a way to put it.

it’s been a year since i am attending  to myself.

listening.

sometimes it seems that i do hear something.

is this how breaking through feels?

today i am restless again. i am not barren, but i can not give birth. there is something inside, yet it is unable to come out.

i am not letting it go.