*artwork- via pintrest.com
I’ve gone astray
Amongst the fir trees of my years
Under cold snows
During sweaty summer evenings.
I’ve failed to tie a string
Or leave a bread crumbs trail
So I can find my way back
(36 years ago)
When I slipped into this world
And maybe then was happy.
Invariably, i am
( a sad little girl- an angsty adolescent-an all accepting woman)
Just looking for a place,
One guarded and secure,
To keep my hopes.
*artwork- via mulfingered.tumblr.com
does my silence hints i am serene at last?
knowing that i use words only to describe the absent.
reality check time has come
what an eye opening,
i laugh and tear
such a cute couple we are
we manage to fool them all
so eager this time it works
we are using blindfolds day and night
to keep the doubts of despair out
and in – these shallow lights
of hope and trust and warmth.
*artwork-“dark matter” by luca l. via studentartguide.com
|all the colors of mine
are not enough
to block the blackness
all the words i used to know
are wiped clean
by the persistence of your silence
so i get pulled, again
into turbulence of my dreads
fueled by vigor of your own
the story repeats itself
again and again
we are so powerless
in this love
you can not bear the most of me
and i want out so bad
but then you drop
the magic words
they work unfailingly
and i give in
charmed, blinded by the sweetness of promise
and mute for some more
because there’s touch
it feels so god damn right
to get lost in our dizzy childish truths
and lies, so white, transparent almost
they help us through another day
*artwork-“unlocking nine locks” by laura simms via touchdrawing.com
|frozen hand of mercy
squeezes my throat mercilessly
every time he is near.
he is down
so i am screaming soundlessly
so he won’t hear
so he falls
so he falls
on the soft ground
on the green grass
on someone else’s hands
35 years old child
he did cry twice
when i hugged him close
and he let me touch,
then for the briefest moment,
and i’ve panicked
and now he is
a tiny shadow of the man he used to be
when he was 20.
i pray for ariel to be back
*artwork-“acceptance” by ella prakash via mojarto.com
nah, just all in one.
i am as complicated as a shampoo.
beloved and be-hated villains,
sour and sweet voices
they build and then destroy,
occasionally sharing the same sentence.
boy, do i love it!
major fuck up.
production flaw at mama’s factory.
another wise man said, that
in best families (sh)it happens, too.
*artwork- “determination” by mark fuller via fineartamerica.com
two more months to go
spinning, on and off
and fourth decade of childlike woman is on.
inventory is set.
my vintage tools
worn out furniture
and washed off clothes.
a doll house.
i will count every piece of everything.
all of my possessions.
white hairs and tiny wrinkles around the eyes, too.
i am rich.
and i will wear my smile
as a pretty one wore perfume.
for this is all i really have.
i will smile.
and won’t hide in another dusty room
with empty ceiling. and emptied man.
i will smile.
victims all over will take cover. and there will be
no more dreadful stories around me.
no more shadows that were raped at age of three.
and no more home seeking
and being homesick
and missing marinushka
*artwork-“blurry cityscape” by ashly barid via .wallartys.com
|no guarantees. no eternal promises.
a stable place, is what i crave.
(mirage of) safety
obscures my sight.
right eye is open
left eye is closed
the third one is indigo not yet.
i am sad.
*artwork-“growth”, digital art by anastasiya malakhova
|the moment you were gone
the voice of my mind was heard again.
so tiny and so weak, yet, it is here.
i’m thrilled to have it back,
to execute my grief
and comprehend its startling solace.
so many tears, i never knew i could, forever, if it takes
but i do feel so much
and come across my brand new greenest leaves.
the agent of a change,
no other choice for me.
i’ll hold that mirror,
and when they’re ready-
i set them free to search.
and you became so ripe, so willing to explore and face
your own incubus.
my VIP, now you begin your journey.
i will be out there.
just as you asked.
i’ll keep an eye on you,
won’t let you fade away.
*artwork- “anguish” by darren johnson via saatchiart.com
|between third cup of coffee and unimaginary anguish
i try to escape from my own prison
words echoing in my room
said and unsaid
as i walk around, lost in my own fortress
not recognizing this space,
i am a stranger
to my own thoughts, so familiar, so
i pushed out and away,
and now, left in my beloved solitude
i am full of hatred
that can not find its way to
me or you,
i wish to scratch you out
to leave this incapable pale skin
and find a new place
to contain my rusty world of
scared baby with a head shaved
and legs tied to a bed that is everything
scared baby, that waits for a savior to come
in sterile room, with windows ever closed
and smell of lost hope
where every minute is an eternity
and every touch is love deprived
*artwork-“don’t take my sunshine away” via tumblr
|sometimes i wake up in the mornings and i just know that it is going to be a bad day.
or, filled with dismay and anxiety.
and then everything gets slow.
arthur says these are the days of Hecate. so that i am sensitive during. and, in general, sensitive.
gera calls it “love deprived whore, with her heart locked”. that is also a way to put it.
it’s been a year since i am attending to myself.
sometimes it seems that i do hear something.
is this how breaking through feels?
today i am restless again. i am not barren, but i can not give birth. there is something inside, yet it is unable to come out.
i am not letting it go.